Quotes I heard from people's mouths    Quotes I read, but didn't hear

Wisdom

“Cream rises to the top, but poop also floats.”

“Just because you’re home doesn’t mean you have to answer the phone.”

“Try wearing a woman’s G-string backwards for a day-that’ll take your mind off your troubles.” Jeanine Davis

 

“The difference between man and monkey is that man plans ahead.”

“I can’t tell if it sounds hollow-try knocking on your head and I’ll compare the sound.” Bert W Marley

 

“The problem with the American School System is that teachers are afraid to tell parents that their little Johnny is a dumb butt.” Dale Mcfarland

 

“The only difference between a horse in a parade and a drummer in a parade is that you don’t have to clean up after the drummer.” Larry Andersen

 

“Give a boy a fish; feed him for a day. Teach a boy to fish; feed him for a lifetime. Teach a boy to steal fish; he becomes a fish thief.” Cameron Hatch

 

“It’s OK to argue as long as you’re right.” Dennis Bitton

 

I have founded a cult devoted to the wanton destruction of books with the words “cat-guillotine” in the title. We haven’t found one yet, but if push comes to shove I’ll write a book called The Cat-Guillotine, get it published and then burn it.” Paul Elison

 

“When you think you can’t do it, you’re right for once!”

“Keep memorizing this line: I am a dumb person. Try variations, too. I am a dumb donkey. Try your own. I am a dumb ______.” Spencer Cox

 

“Well, this just sucks rocks!” Bert C Marley

 

“Why does everything have to have something?” Abbi Clark

Politics

“Now they noticed that Reagan has Alzheimer’s, they failed to notice it when he was in office.” Bert W Marley

"Republicans believe in small government. A government so small it can fit in Terri Schiavo's hospital room." Howard Dean

 

Music

"I think we should take all of John Rutter’s music and burn it in a bonfire so all of humanity can bask in its glow…Wait! I want to take all of John Rutter’s music and deep six-it to the bottom of the ocean. So whose music did I want to burn?” Thom Ritter George

The following are taken from choir rehearsals

“Sopranos, in this song you must hoot like an owl. Sopranos! Take out your hooters!”

“People with lasts names E-G, take your shirt off.”

"Some of you need to take off and article of clothing or something. Just let it all go!”

“You must stay convinced and convicted of your convictions.”

“Be careful, you’ll pop a biscuit!”

“We’ve gotta zip this thing so that any way we zip it, we can zip it.”

“They’ve found your puppy!”

“Eyebrows, one, both, or all three.”

“I want you under the haystack.”

“That’s performance practice stuff that you wouldn’t know if you didn’t know it.”

“I’ve got some WD-40 in my office, and we’ll use it if we need to.”

“This is Bach, not ice cream.”

“Put your straw hats on, tie a bologna to your neck, or something.”

“If you make a mistake, the fire won’t get put out in your house.”

“Everyone show 2 more teeth, for some of you that will be all.”

“Max is a counter-tenor, he likes to sit on tables.”

“Breathe like you’re inflating a pig.”

“Unify the sound like a giant, living, breathing orgasm.”

“I’m a genius.” Scott Anderson

 

Famous people quotes

I favor the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and it must be enforced, at gunpoint if necessary.
Ronald Reagan

I often quote myself, it adds spice to my conversation.
George Bernard Shaw

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
J. Danforth Quayle

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
Winston Bennett - University of Kentucky basketball forward

If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist.
Michael Patton

If a woman seeks education it is probably because her sexual apparatus is malfunctioning.
Nietzsche

If all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world.
Blaise Pascal

If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it, it would have been much better.
Karl Marx's Mother

If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
Robert Cringely – InfoWorld

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Earl Wilson

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.
Laurence Peter

In place of infinity we usually put some really big number, like 15.
Anonymous Computer Science professor

It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
Jerome K. Jerome

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
William G. McAdoo

If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!
Ma Ferguson , Former Governor of Texas

If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.
Lin Yutang

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx

 

HAYTHUM R. KHALID

If you want to commit suicide you can use my razor; it's electric, but you can hang yourself with the cord.

If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression.

 

ANONYMOUS

Mary had a little lamb and the doctor fainted.

The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

 

W.C. FIELDS

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Marriage is better than leprosy because it's easier to get rid of.

 

GEORGE ORWELL

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts.

In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed - they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, 500 years of democracy and peace and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.

My doctor advised me against intimate dinners for four. Unless three other people are present.

They teach anything in universities today. You can major in mud pies.

 

MARK TWAIN

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made School Boards.

Adam and Eve had many advantages but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.