Halloween Fun Page

Tales of Mild Terror

DaYondra sat on the couch in boredom. She was babysitting her nephew, Jevonte. Her sister, K'Shambia, was taking the final test to get her cosmetology license. Dayondra was not in the mood to take care of Jevonte. As four year-olds go, he wasn't a bad kid - he just said creepy things sometimes. However, DaYondra owed her sister a favor. A few weeks earlier K'Shambia had pulled her out of her burning apartment after her Maxiglide Hair Straightening Iron caught a bag of pork rinds on fire. But the fact remained: DaYondra was bored. She had already put Jevonte to bed and had nothing to do. In her desperation she was watching Nascar reruns. It wasn't helping.

Suddenly, as if from the skies, DaYondra had an idea.

"Oh, I'm gonna prank call Julie."

She reached into her purse to retrieve her pink, rhinestone encrusted phone. She quickly dialed Julie and waited for her to answer.

"Hello," said Julie.

"Hi Julie, this is Dr. Schmidt, from the hospital," she said in her manliest voice. "I was wondering if you wanted to go to the Ballet on Friday and maybe afterwards we could..."

"DaYondra, cell phones have caller ID. Like, I know it's you." sighed Julie.

"Aw hell, I forgot all 'bout that. What'chu doin? I am so bored."

"I'm just at home watching season 2 of Sex and the City. And I think that Samantha might like, hook up with some random guy, but I totally don't know if that's what she's going to do."

"Hmmm, cool," DaYondra mumbled incoherently. "Well, come over ta my sistas house and we can hang out."

"Can I my bring DVDs?" asked Julie perkily.

"Ah no, I don't wanna watch no shows 'bout a bunch o' skinny, cocaine abusin' white girls shaking their booty all over."

"Like, fine. But next time we hang out we are like, totally going to Build-a-Bear."

DaYondra was flipping through channels on the TV when she saw Julie's headlights through the living room window. She turned off the TV and sassily walked over to the front door. The door bell rang and she excitedly opened the front door, thrilled to have an end to the boredom. To her surprise, she saw nothing. She slowly stepped out on to the porch and looked around. No Julie. Julie's car wasn't in the driveway. DaYondra became uneasy and for the first time since the fire she felt afraid. She stood on the porch, motionless. She heard, very faintly at first, a scraping sound on the side of the house. It was unnatural and disrhythmic, as if someone or something was doing it deliberately. She cautiously crept off the porch toward the sound at the side of the house.

"Is..is someone there?" She called out, hesitantly.

The scraping sound stopped abruptly at her words. Seconds later it began again, but faster and louder than before. DaYondra was frozen in fear. It sounded as if the scraping was coming around the corner. DaYondra held her breath, she tried to run, but was paralyzed. The scraping became louder and grew in intensity. At the moment she knew something terrible was about to appear, Julie jumped out from the side of the house with the ice scraper from her car and yelled,
"Boo, LOL!"

DaYondra screamed, but then realized that no terrible monster would wear Hello Kitty pajama pants and carry an ice scraper, except maybe a gay yeti.

"Girl, I am gonna kill you. You almos' gave me a heart attack."

"Like, whatever, it's totally my turn to scare you for once. ROFL! This is just payback for that time you made me pee my pants at work. Let's go inside, I brought Fritos!"

As they turned to walk into the house they were startled to see Jevonte standing motionless in the door way.

"Don't worry, sweetie. Julie gave Aunt DaYondra a scare. Go back to bed."

Jevonte did not go back to bed. Jevonte did not move at all. He was starring at something, or rather through something. DaYondra tried to get his attention, but he would not respond to anything. DaYondra, nudged him to get his attention. He slowly turned his head to look at her and said,
"He has been released from the sunken depths where he has waited, dreaming."

"Like, that is creepy. Where did he hear that? That's like creepier than that Monster Squad movie. That movie is totally scary," said Julie.

"I dunno, he says creepy stuff all the time. Th'other day he told me he was gonna chop me up and flush me down the toilet. He ain't right." DaYondra replied. "Let's go back into the house, Jevonte."

At this, Jevonte ran out the door to front lawn where he began chanting,
"Cthulhu fhtagn. Cthulhu fhtagn. Cthulhu fhtagn."

"Ok, like he is really starting to scare me. Make him stop," whined Julie.

DaYondra pursed her lips in dismay and began marching toward Jevonte. She was stopped by a tremor that passed through the ground and penetrated her very being. She looked up to the horizon and saw the mountains dissolve in the flailing of enormous tentacles.

It was Cthulhu. He destroyed all mankind in accordance with the ancient prophecies. It was pretty horrifying.

Movies that Terrified Me as a Youngin'

Silver bullet

When I was in the 3rd grade, my Mom let me watch this. She loves scary movies and wanted her kids to love them too. I love them now, but at the time they just scared the crap out of me. Werewolves were too much for me then. Probably because I grew up on a farm surrounded by other farms with lots of trees. Plus, this one time, I found a coyote carcass.

Pumpkin head

I really can't believe this scared me. It's super lame. Super lame. Yet I was so scared I couldn't finish it and just went to bed in fear of the pure evil that is Pumpkinhead.

IT

Saw this in the fifth grade. I was terrified of the bathroom for about 2 weeks. Don't worry, I still used the bathroom during that time, but I was quick about it. Clowns are scary anyway, they shouldn't be killing kids in the bathroom.

Troll

Pretty bad, yet entertaining. Ok, so it's really freaking hilarious. Kids get scared by stupid things, alright. Stop judging me.

Gremlins

I'm not sure this film was supposed to be scary. But after seeing it I was sure that a gremlin was going to jump out of a dark corner and attack me when I least expected it.

The Howling

I also saw this in the 3rd grade, but I don't think my mom would have let me watch this one. I saw it at my cousin's house. That was back in the days when it was easy to figure out the passwords that your parents put on the locked channels. Once again - werewolves were not good for me.

 

Why Everyone Who Celebrates Halloween Will Burn in the Fiery Pits for All Eternity

When I was young I used to think Halloween was fun. Then I read this comic from chick.com. It's called 'The Devil's Night.' After reading it, I knew it was my duty to let everyone know how evil Halloween is. Look at these excerpts.

See, Halloween belongs to the Devil. He owns it. He purchased it in 1473 A.D. along with the Spanish Empire.


 

Yeah, apparently there was this god who looked just like the Grim Reaper and he made ghosts posses animals and stuff. I don't know why he would do that. I guess to make kids be witches.


 

Like Buffy, I had spent my whole life living in America and had never heard of Jesus, except as a swear word. Why didn't anyone tell me!?!?!?


 

I thought this was a fantastic idea! I don't even give kids candy anymore, just Chick Comics. Some kids call me names, but I know it will be worth it if just one of them learns they will go to hell for celebrating Halloween.
Happy Halloween!


Read the entire comic

 

 

How Twilight Should Have Ended

The first time I heard a plot summary of Twilight, I thought, "Wait, vampires are bad. They kill people for food. Why would you become romantically involved with one?"